Tools & Tips
Say what you mean - Communication without saying a word
From Ode Magazine July/August 2008
By Ronald Ligtenberg
In Western society, the emphasis is on the spoken or written word. We're extremely aware of the words we use and pay piles of attention to using the right ones. However, only a small portion of our communication takes place in words. American anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell posited that a majority of communication happens unconsciously. He says the words we speak only account for 35 percent of what we convey. The remaining 65 percent is spoken through by body language, facial expressions, gestures, movements, eye movements and the use of our senses. Moreover, according to 20th-century British psychologist Michael Argyle, non-verbal signals have a much stronger effect than verbal content.
Yet we pay little attention to this silent non-verbal communication. Why? I suspect we’re looking for ways to conceal our underlying motives. Simply saying what we think or want is too confrontational, too direct. The use of words makes it easier to convince someone—or deceive them.
This may be why we’ve lost faith in our intuition. The German co-founder of Gestalt therapy, Fritz Perls, taught himself to focus on the non-verbal sphere because it’s the only arena in which self-deception is nearly impossible. Take our eyes, for example, which we call the “windows on our soul.” Our eyes reflect everything happening inside us. A glance is worth more than a thousand words. And we all know how awkward it can be to have a conversation with someone who constantly looks away. But isn’t it equally uncomfortable to look your boss in the eye?
The deaf interpret non-verbal communication more consciously than do the hearing. That explains why silent communication with deaf people is more honest and intimate. The intensity is determined by the degree to which thoughts and emotions are conveyed with every fibre of our bodies. The deaf do this a little better than the hearing. As one woman put it: “Since I became deaf, I listen much better.”
In silent communication you’re quickly aware whether or not you click with the other person. There’s no point in not saying honestly what you think or feel, because the other person will pick up on it.
Let’s become more aware of our body language, and allow open and candid communication with our eyes. Just try looking at someone for a change. This would certainly make things more peaceful.